11 March 2016

I will Be better

It's always hard to admit..

That you've fallen.

That you're broken.

That you're no longer whole.

And i feel ashamed that even with a patient husband, a precious daughter, a supportive family, many genuine and close friends, i still fall to the hands of depression.

Sorry.

Sorry to everyone who love me.

I will be better. Please stay around to see me when i'm better.

And to anyone else who feel alone like you're in a dark room caged by the darkness and fear in your head, where you don't see sunlight.. Remember you are never alone.

Be strong for the ones who love you, be strong for yourself. I am telling myself as i tell you.

I might have fallen to depression this time.. But i will bounce back. I will be fine.

Thank you Joshua, Thank you Meredith, Thank You, to everyone of my family member.

Thank you to my friends.

Thank you to the readers who stick around even when i've been such a negative ball of mess for so long.

Thank you to even the people who pushed me to where i am today..

You have taught me a very valuable lesson, that is to learn how i cannot trust anyone who call themselves a friend. And for that i thank you again.

I am not a victim, i am a fucking warrior. I will take my medications and i will chill the heck out.

But there's no medication for a black heart that sees no compassion so i only wish the best for you all.

Wanted to do a cover of this song for my guest-singer appearance at Starker's @ Zhongshan Park on the 17th (I'd be there 8.30pm so see you if you're free to pop by, i'd be singing a few songs. Totally not pro so you've been warned haha).. But i can't get it done properly. But it's okay. I re-shoot a lot more times trying to do better and trying to chill but this first two takes were the best of all.

Cox even when i am weak, i wanna be strong.

I can't do any work now. I can't do anything now. I can only be with people who make me feel alive and loved and safe. I can't function as usual but it will all be over.



53 comments:

Clarie Cupcakes said...

Thank you for being brave Qiu Qiu.
I've gotten all teary while listening to your cover song. I wish I know the right words to say but I'm writing this to thank you for you to being strong and for facing your struggles.
Take your time to heal, the ones who love you will always be behind you cheering you on.


Here's to wishing you the best on your road to recovery <3

Love you always x
C

Clarie Cupcakes said...

Thank you for being brave Qiu Qiu.
I've gotten all teary while listening to your cover song. I wish I know the right words to say but I'm writing this to thank you for you to being strong and for facing your struggles.
Take your time to heal, the ones who love you will always be behind you cheering you on.


Here's to wishing you the best on your road to recovery <3

Love you always x
C

amanda said...

you are strong, you can do this. we are with you every step of the way ♡ keep fighting, qiu!

LYNN.W said...

Hello Qiuqiu,

I hope you will get to read this comment..
Never thought you would become a victim of depression, when you always look so cheerful and bubbly on social media & budget barbie :'(
Please dont apologise or feel ashamed about depression. It must be really hard on you that you have to share this piece of news on social media. Everyone will fall sick at some point of time in life; your emotions just caught a small flu bug and you will surely recover with sufficient treatment and determination.

Thank you, for being yourself, for being the same bongqiuqiu I knew since I started following you many years ago
Thank you, for always bringing joy to us
Thank you, for sharing your life so readers like us will always have something to read
Thank you, for putting your life under the limelight though it may not be the most healthiest thing to do for yourself or your family.

Haters gonna hate, lovers gonna love!
Dont be unhappy because of 1 hater, remember you have 100000000 readers who loves you!!
Forget about those nasty keyboard warriors!
Be strong for yourself, for everyone who loves you :)
Sending you 100x virtual hugs, it may not be significant but i hope this message can make you feel at least 1% better!

Take all the time you need to recover. I will pray to guanyinma that you will walk out of the darkness soon!
You are not alone, and never will!
Keep on fighting! We will all stick around to see you become a happier person.

With Love <3
Lynn




Anonymous said...

Hi Qiuting,

I enjoy reading your blogs on and off. I admire you for your courage to "bare all" and tell us about your plastic surgery experiences. I have been toying with the thought but no guts to even do it. :)

You are brave and you should embrace yourself. I was suffering from postnatal blues when I just delivered my first-born, and I was told that postnatal blues can happen anytime from the birth of the baby till the child is 3 years old. I overcame it by taking my omega capsules (my hubby nicknamed it my "Happy Pills, 1-2 capsule each time, 2-3 times a day). I also worked out like crazy at the gym, exercising makes me happy! Talking to friends make me happy! Even talking to my baby then made me happy. I was a lot better in a few month's time. Key thing to note is...you WANT to be happy!

As for betrayal from friends, face it squarely. Like a wardrobe, we have to de-clutter our wardrobe (and also our friends) from time to time. Some friends are worth keeping for a lifetime, some are simply not worth our effort. My mantra has always been "some people count, some people don't". "Detox" those friends who are not worth our time, effort and love, like how we detox toxins from our body.


Focus on doing things that make you happy, and only do things that make you happy! :)

Life is short, be HAPPY! :)
JIA YOU!

cheers!
H2O

val said...

I'm sorry and I know that probably means nothing from someone you don't know but I hope your day was better today. I hope it will be even better tomorrow and the next.

Amy Laws said...

Things get easier, I promise:)
Being depressed isn't a choice and it's horrible that you're going through it. FU whacky chemical imbalances and hormones!

After I had my son I went through PND. I was an emotional mess and I felt terrible, mad and guilty that I wasn't experiencing all the joyful and best feelings that other mums talk about when they have a baby. Long story short is 3 years later I feel million times better. I took medication for a bit (which worked amazing to help calm my crazy emotions)I saw a shrink 3 times and just ranted about the tough times to friends that listened and didnt judge.

These days I still wish I felt that joy other mums felt but at least I can be a friend to a new mum and tell them it's ok if you don't feel like that because parenting is freaken hard and not every child will sleep or be content. It's ok if you struggle.
Now with my son being 3 it's still hard work but it's more fun and I'm enjoying it much more. I figured I'm not a maternal person but I love my little man and I will always be here for him.

Depression is an asshole and no one will understand what you're going through unless they have been through it themselves but you'll get past it and you'll be stronger and wiser.

Anonymous said...

Stay strong and hang in there. Love yourself more. Be selfish a little more. Protect yourself a bit more. Sometimes it is hard to gauge who are the real friends that are here to stay or those that are friends due to convenience. Take some time off to heal, you deserve that.
Jiayou!

Passerby said...

All the best from a random passerby! I dont really know how to comfort ppl, but I think your support network of family and friends would be great to help you!

Anonymous said...

Hi qiuqiu. Please stay strong though I don't know what have happen.But I'm here to tell you that your fans will always be here no matters what happen. Sometimes, it's great to realize earlier those friends that are not loyal to you, then realizing it late:).sooner or later he /she will realize that they lose such a good friend like you.all the best! Jiayou:)


Anonymous said...

Hi qiuqiu. Please stay strong though I don't know what have happen.But I'm here to tell you that your fans will always be here no matters what happen. Sometimes, it's great to realize earlier those friends that are not loyal to you, then realizing it late:).sooner or later he /she will realize that they lose such a good friend like you.all the best! Jiayou:)


Anonymous said...

Cheer up!Life is beautiful!I hope this help ^^
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/dealing-with-depression.htm

Anonymous said...

stop being such a faker. Good at acting helpless.
It's cause of your vainity and greed that cause you all these problems.

Look up...and stay strong..

Deb

Andrew Hwang said...

朋友很多,留在身邊的都會是真心愛你的, 虛偽的人不用勉強去迎合,與期說失去什麼,不如說你已經看清誰才是朋友


有一天你一定學會,不再隨著別人的舌頭起舞,生活是屬於自己的,過得了自己就可以了⋯⋯


早日康復,睡醒了,昨天已經过去,現在和明天,都會是新的開始!上帝爰你!

Ps:Ju

Anonymous said...

It's okay to be not okay. Hang on to the thoughts that keep you going. No matter how dark and long the tunnel is, there is always a tiny speck of light at the end of it. Take some time off to heal and love yourself.

Who knows? Maybe you'd do a cover of Confident and kick butt when it is all better *wink wink*

Don't stop believing in yourself.


With love,
The girl you met at Casuarina prata shop where you had your Valentine's Day lunch

Anonymous said...

hello qiuqiu. it was shocking for me to find out that you're suffering from depression. you're always so bubbly and cheerful in your videos and on social media. you always looked so happy. i've truly understood how you feel. but i want you to know that its okay to be not okay. i know what its like to wake up and all you want to do is go back to bed. always feeling like there's a dark cloud over you. always feeling like you won't ever recover. its okay. please don't ever give up on yourself. take all the time you need to get better, take time to love yourself. relax. breathe.. everything will be okay. perhaps not tomorow, not next week, or next month, but it will happen. stay strong.

Anonymous said...

hi qiuqiu, you're one of those bloggers who will never be afraid to speak her mind.
you do things you like and you're never fake. I'm so glad that despite being in the state of depression, you're able to recognize how lucky you actually are. there are actually many people around you who aren't even as blessed as you. do not keep thinking about the negative things, count your blessing and keep going. we'll stick around to watch you as you fight this. so so proud of you. I'll always be your loyal reader. love you!

Ann said...

Hang on , everything will pass . Nothing will last forever anyway ...
Those bad guy in your head , i hope you can make them out soon . Out from your head and heart .

Anonymous said...

Dear Qiu Qiu,
I have always been a silent and supportive readers of yours (: I truly enjoy reading all your blog entries and watching Budget Barbie. You come across as one the most genuine, sincere person I have ever known and I really admire these characteristics. I know you are facing a tough time now and I would like to encourage you. Jiayou ! :D I'm sure you will be out of the black tunnel really soon. Awaiting to see a strong Qiu Qiu back again <3

Love you loads,
E.T

Anonymous said...

Jiayou Qiu Qiu! U are one of those Super few bloggers who stay real and it's a joy reading ur blog. Unlike many others whose blog are full of adverts without any content worth reading. We will wait for ur recovery!

Agnes Lam said...

Stay strong :)

Anonymous said...

Hi qiu qiu, you are a good person... You have got a kind heart... You have been agood daughter to your parents , a kind sister to your sisters and a loving mother to your daughter.
Key thing is to DWELL ON YOUR SUCCESSES AND MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR MISTAKES.
Continue to practice loving kindness and compassion and GOODNESS will come out of it .
Make peace with your depression. Dont try to fight it. And I believe THIS TOO WILL COME TO PASS .

MAKE PEACE
BE KIND BE GENTLE
BHUDDHA

Anonymous said...

Hello Qiuting,

Stay strong and have faith that things will improve :) Never give up and take a break whenever you need to. Remember, " When you are down, there's only one way to go. Up! ".

I had depression too and I felt helpless, gloomy, lonely, had no mood and energy to do anything which I previously enjoyed. I felt like giving up and even had suicidal thoughts. It happened without a warning, which affected me badly.

Then, I decided to seek professional help, with the support of my loved ones. They were there with me for my medical appointments and to remind me every single day to take my medication.

And, guess what? My condition improved! I am now more confident and cheerful. I regained the energy and interest to do things that I used to enjoy :)

I (along with all your loved ones and your readers) hope that things will improve tremendously as the time goes by. There is nothing to be sorry about for having depression. Just have faith, have a good rest, follow through your medical appointments and medications. All will be well again~

J

Anonymous said...

Jiayou and stay strong!!! <3

Anonymous said...

Hey Qiuting, I know you are doing the best you can to overcome depression. You are really brave! Have you considered going for therapy (particularly Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)) to overcome depression? It's one of the most effective ways and research has shown that they can be as efficient as medication. Stay strong and keep fighting xx

Anonymous said...

i think you tried to take on too many endorsements - one day you rave about a particular hair salon or product, the next day you jump to something else and claim that everything you have tried in the past don't work.
I won't use any of the products or services you endorse, because as long as someone pays you, you will say that their product is good and the product's prices will be inflated because the company has to pay you.
People say that you work hard, but you are just lucky (seriously don't even know how you got famous), and the reason why you work hard is because you want the money from the endorsements. If you can't handle the fame and money, then you don't deserve them.
Do you know how many cringe-worthy moments have been immortalized on the holy internet?

Anonymous said...

I'm not good with words, but need to let you know that all your readers will be with you. You have been an inspiration to me, for all your positive energy and your bubbly character, your love for your family members, the way Si Jie say how you protected her. All the darkness will pass. It takes time but it will go away.

Jiayou QiuQiu!

Ann Lee said...

Hi Qiuqiu ,

Been your reader for some time.
U are a very nice and kind person and seen how you treated the peoples around you.
Those people that hurt you and push you to this way you are right now , they will regret it someday.

Be strong and get over it. Its hard but we know you will be able to get over it soon.

Please take good care of yourself , only then u can take care of meredith and those people you love and they love you too.

Ann ♡

Ann Lee said...

Hi Qiuqiu ,

Been your reader for some time.
U are a very nice and kind person and seen how you treated the peoples around you.
Those people that hurt you and push you to this way you are right now , they will regret it someday.

Be strong and get over it. Its hard but we know you will be able to get over it soon.

Please take good care of yourself , only then u can take care of meredith and those people you love and they love you too.

Ann ♡

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm a reader of ur blog. just wonder if u have this problem before u moved in the new house....if no, u might want to check the house's Feng shui.
加油!

Anonymous said...

Hi qiu, like many of your readers have said, you are really the few that kept it really genuine with us / public.

Depression is not pleasant and it isn't something someone would want to identify themselves with or even disclose to everyone / anyone. Just because people like being surrounded by positive people and allowing people to know your vulnerable negatives may be terrifying and intimidating but yes YOU ARE A FUCKING WARRIOR ;-)

Love your genuine posts & self, love your fighting spirit and I'll still love you even if you are a ball of negativity because everyone will go through their up and down. People who care about you will love you when you are high and be there with you're down.

Till then, I hope laughter is the sound you hear / produce everyday.

xo,
mxn

Anonymous said...

Hihi,

Just want to say jia you! Focus on those precious around you and looking forward to see you back to your original self again. :)

Anonymous said...

Like you said, you are surrounded by so many positive people who are constantly there for you, why are you so hard on yourself.

Anonymous said...

We love you Qiu Qiu! Fighting!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't see you with XX anymore..is everything ok?

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous who accused Qiuqiu of not being able to handle money and fame,

You are a disgusting person. Qiuqiu repeatedly pours her heart out over her depression, and scum like you are so fucking self-centred that you focus only on her endorsements??? If you had a centimetre of brain (or if you actually gave a fuck about Qiuqiu, which clearly you don't), you'd know that it was a toxic friendship that lead to her depression.

Hope karma gets you for your nastiness.

xo

Anonymous said...

QQ its ok to fall ill, dont be sorry for u do not owe anybody a living. From what i see u r damn hardworking. Give yourself a break n a true break that you n your loved ones deserve. U do not have to account to the readers if u dont want to. We love u for who u are. Its ok that you take time to heal, u r not wolverine, even though ur unstyled hair does resemble him a little, lol. But really its ok, take time to do your fav activity that is to nua sai, A LOT. N enjoy meredith. Its not a choice whether we fall sick or not, we r made of flesh n so we do. Finally, if all else fails, pray. That is what God is here for, He does miracle.

GWS! 💗

Anonymous said...

Before you can see the light you have to deal with the darkness.

Jia you. I really like you a lot, although we don't know each other but I will always support you.

Anonymous said...

hi qiuqiu, it breaks my heart to see you have to struggle with this while still having to maintain your social media and your image to the public.. it's so so tough on you ): Just want to say that hey, it's okay not to be okay. Everyone has their down times, the times when they were vunerable or hurt or just not be able to pick themselves up. It's okay to not be able to live up to our own expectations, or what people expect us to be. Like you said, it's hard to admit that you're fallen, broken, not whole, depressed..but don't be sorry about it alright? We've all been through this at one point in our lives or another, it's just whether people choose to show it or not. I'm so proud of you to be opening up about this and to be seeking help! Some people may take this time to stab you or hurt you when you're choosing to be vunerable to them, but my dear, I pray all these negative comments won't get into your head because what matters most is the people around you who are supporting you and love you so dearly.
I know how tough it is and it's not just a matter of wanting it to go away. Its okay not to be okay,k? keep fighting! You dont have to be what others want you to be. You are precious and treasured just the way you are!
You're not alone in this~ Hwaiting qiuting!
keeping you in my prayers dear, God bless *hugs* <3

Chloe-Lenne Kuroi Nishikido said...

So heartbreaking. :( I give you a virtual hug.

Anonymous said...

Qiuqiu 加油!
朋友可以很多 但真的懂自己在乎自己的卻很少。
不必去在意那些刻意做一些讓你不開心的事的人 真的沒必要
你要相信如果一個愛你的人真的在乎你 是絕對不會做一些讓你傷心流淚的事。
願你早日拋開讓你不開心的人事物。
願在另一方的你心情早日恢復晴朗。
願早日康復 幸福安康💖

Serene said...

Hi Qiuqiu,
I am a person suffering from depression at this moment. I am fighting on with medication like you. So just hang in there and I believe we will see the light and enjoy the joy and feeling of freedom like we used to soon! Take care!

Tiffany said...

Hello qiuqiu,
Years ago, we spoken via the app feecha and at that point of time you were a very cheerful and positive person
A person who was very very kind
I dk what is affecting you but continue to be kind and not let negative people get to you
好心一定会有好报!!!!
Seek treatment for Meredith and the people close to you
From
The siao on hello kitty fan

Tiffany said...

Hello qiuqiu,
Years ago, we spoken via the app feecha and at that point of time you were a very cheerful and positive person
A person who was very very kind
I dk what is affecting you but continue to be kind and not let negative people get to you
好心一定会有好报!!!!
Seek treatment for Meredith and the people close to you
From
The siao on hello kitty fan

Anonymous said...

u are not depression but itching for another plastic sugery, what else is new, obviously u cant say ur plastic surgery except swallow it and thumping ur chest hahhahhaha lololol

Anonymous said...

Hi Qiu,

Read your blog occasionally and I kind of understand what you are feeling because I am at a place similar..

I have confided in few people but honestly dont know how many of them take me seriously. I am curious about how u approached for help and treatment..

Thank you and I wish u well..

Rae said...

stay strong! I fight through depression 4 years ago, I hope you can fight through too!

Anonymous said...

Qiu Qiu jiayou. 💪🏼

Everything's gonna be alright.

Anonymous said...

Jiayou QQ, will stay around waiting for you to bounce back.
No matter how long it takes, keep holding on to that faith that one day you'll get better. You definitely will, I have faith in you.
It's okay to misjudge a person as your true friend, better to know now than never.
You have friends and family who are real to you and be there to support you in every step of your way.
Hang in there. Prove those people that've done you wrong, that you can do so much better without them. ❤️❤️❤️

Anonymous said...

To those haters, your hearts are full of scum and dirt that no plastic surgery can ever undo.
The worse thing you can do is pull someone down when they're at their weakest point.
Why the need for so much hate? Just stop already.
Peace out xxx.

Anonymous said...

Mind sharing what happened to you & XX?

Anonymous said...

Hello Qiuqiu,

Started following you because I found Meredith cute but I've grown to be a fan of you too! Kinda teared reading your post as I have also been feeling depressed over the loss of friends that I once thought would be a constant to me. So I understand how you feel.. Plus I study about psychology myself so I know quite a bit about depression though sadly I have also fallen into the hands of it. Really admire how you are honest about everything. And your words does encouraged me a little :') Maybe I should be more courageous like you to admit it and seek help. Thank you for sharing the joy and happiness about your family especially Meredith ^^ Seeing posts about Meredith actually cheers me up too haha. Hope you enjoy your Japan trip and I am sure you will get better!! You can do this!! Hope to see a cheerful qiuqiu again soon! JIAYOU!! :D

Nana Lopez said...

I love you, Qiu Qiu!