07 April 2010

Why am i like this.

Before i go on, this post was TRULY HEARTFELT after reading about what Crystal gone through. Make me realise, 我不是最慘的!!!

This is the link to her post on school bullies.

You must read if you are part of it. Victimised or guilty!

My own experience started from a teacher! I think! I mean, she changed me, and then things just change when i am changed. Right?

My kindergarten days made up mostly of Madam Gum.

I really don't know if it's Gan or Gum, cox i used to only know London Bridge that nursery song as

Lander biji four leng dang~
Four leng dang~
Four leng dang~
Lander biji four leng dang, my fair lady~

I really thought it was a song singing about 鈴噹, sparkles and shimmer. Never thought it was about some thing falling down. HAHA.

So, i don't know anything about English except:
One to ten, "go toilet", "this one my one", "your one", "i tell teacher", "later i don't friend you ah" and, "YOU GO AND DIE"

Haha. And you probably guessed, i came from a chinese-hokkien-speaking family. And there's nothing wrong, i now know. But i didn't know back then. I felt ashamed of myself. And Madam Gum (sometimes i call her 臭 Bubble Gum when i was scolding her for various reasons) didn't make things any easier for a kid who already had problems to start with.

It was the school sports day, everybody was involved.
OF COURSE, EXCEPT ME and a indian girl.

I felt horrible. Each time watching the kids rehearse, i felt so little. Like i am useless, unloved, uncared for and totally redundant. Now i am starting to think if the reason i was not involved was becox Bubblegum thought i was mentally challenged. I mean, i can't do English, can't do Maths, can't really do anything except chinese.

Then one day i was really high-tide and i asked to go to the restroom, and i remembered saying "May i.." instead of "Can i.." as she had warned me before, but i still wasn't allow to go to the restroom. It wasn't a habit of mine to go to the restroom often at all. In fact, that was the rare times i asked for permission to go toilet. Then a SUPER NAUGHTY, MISCHIEVOUS and smart boy, i call him Yong Tau Foo, asked to go for toilet break and he was allowed.

I cried silently and i didn't dare to look up. I don't want Bubblegum to think i am a super gross kid who's stupid, meaningless and yet felt that people were being unfair to me becox i was supposed to feel contented with whatever i have cox i don't actually deserve anything. I didn't want her to feel like i needed her to be fair with me.

Everyday the only thing i look forward to is to see my dad or my mum outside the classroom door. My mum would come with yakult (but i really prefer Vitagen cox it's bigger and better) and my dad would come with my younger sis.

The only time i had the guts to play with the other kids was when my mum is talking to their mums after school.

Then Bubblegum had to speak bad about my mum to other mums. GROSS. What kind of low life does this.

And then not much people wanna talk to my mum, and then the rest is history. As for the bullying, of course there were boys who teased that i am a tomboy, ah gua etc becox i had short hair, unlike many other girls with long ponytails or at least hair band. I only had short, limpy side parting hair. But that's really fine, boys are boys, they are harmless unless they go pass the teasing of hair. And they never want to partner me or group me in for any thing. But again, it's really not a major bullying thing. It just made me feel bad for a while but i was more afraid that i don't get to do the activity if i don't have a group and then might be scolded by Bubblegum for being troublesome.

So anyhow, i graduated. As a maximum inferior kid. And a sucker to suck up to pretty and popular girl friends, so that they will like me and accept me and hopefully, i might be normal again.

When i was in Primary school. I spent the first 1.5 year being unpopular becox i was stupid. Simple to understand hor? I am the kid that stays back after school for remedials with other mentally-retarded (meaning we are slow, not stupid) kids and with that teacher who was pissed in class teaching us and more pissed in remedial, teaching us again. Once i was sitting on the floor, hugging my knees to my chest during remedial. Miss Omar asked me a question. I didn't even know what's going on. I can't really catch her since she's talking in English.

Next thing i know, she pushed me and i roll like a humpty-dumpty, all the way to my back and then to my side. Yeah, i never let go of my knees. I just hugged on to them, and then i roll. Becox i was so scared. She was shouting at the same time, "WHY DO YOU COME TO SCHOOL?! ANSWER ME! ANG CHIEW TING, I AM ASKING YOU, WHY DO YOU COME TO SCHOOL?!"

Thing is.. I don't even understand what i was doing in school. I just wake up for breakfast daddy would make, then take money, then i'd just hop on the trishaw and daddy would drive me to a place. And it happens to be school lah, why blame me?!

Then i thank God a million times, less than 5mins after Miss Omar pushed me, my dad came to ask to release me early so that i can go and pray somewhere.

I cried and i cried. It felt so bad. Like the whole world is gloomy. But a nice lunch would always make me forget about school. And tv, and playing with my sister and tidbits and macdonald, they were everything to save the day.

Miraculously, the last half of my P2, i could understand English, and did really well in Maths. My bro-in-law coaching did me well. Then i focus on other things like making friends.

There were really good buddy friends of mine in P3. Robin and Victor. They were both smart, AND SUPER SUPER FUNNY to what i remember. But sometimes they'd choose to gang up against me and then it will get me into trouble. One time Robin told Mrs Cheong about me on somethings i didn't do, and i had to stretch out my hand for her to ruler-slap. No, it should be METAL RULER-SLAP. That woman must be some kind of maniac. And then the second slap, the sharp edge of the ruler caused a cut on my palm and it bled. I cried only when i step out of school to my dad's trishaw..

And there was Serene, from China. She's like a princess. So perfect. And she had so many friends. Everyone wanna be her bestfriend. But she told me i was her bestfriend.

She was 老大. I was 老二. And i earned this title for myself by being mean to other girls. I had the perfect, popular girl as my bestfriend, and i tried to play it big. But actually i remembered i only liked Xiu Juan as my bestfriend becox she sings with me. Sammi Cheng's or 觀懷方式, we would sing it out loud together with the lyrics we wrote on pieces of paper. My mum and her mum were hanging out too. We would buy candy mix and share on field trips.

Anyway. I was mean cox i'd always push to sit beside Serene. If anybody takes the seat that i want, i will talk bad about her and then nobody would friend her. Or they would bluff-bluff friend her.

Then the last part of P3 when Serene told everyone she was leaving after that year, nobody really liked her anymore. She told me she was going to 伊麗沙白公主小學. She said the school only accepts princesses and rich people. And she gave me her address to write to her. During the holiday before school started, i wrote like 5 letters all enclosed with a little gift like a multi-colour bouncy ball, a picture card of a princess or a mini box of crayons. But i never had the money to buy stamps to send them off. So i threw them away eventually. And i remember the last letter that i decided to throw away in that holiday, i hated Serene. For not being able to reach her. For leaving to attend a school with other princesses and leaving me with no bestfriend again.

Then school started. I knew i was gonna be back to who i was. A loser. With no friends. No bestfriends. And worst part was, Victor and Robin decided to be mean to me. There were on many occasions my name was written on the board for teacher to punish later cox Victor and Robin were the monitor/ assistant monitor respectively and they were on good terms with the rest of the girls and the girls hated me and thus sabotage me to have my name written there. I always cry when i see my name there. Always. Like damn sian right? For nothing get ruler slap. And everybody don't like you, that's the worst to bear.

P4 was a dark time in short. NiaoNiao just came into primary school and i'd always like to find her for recess. Or i'd just stand near the dustbin to eat if i can't find her. Cox i didn't dare to sit down alone, i don't want people to think i got no friends. I'd always eat very fast and pretend to be rushing for time, like some people would be waiting for me, so nobody will know i am alone.

Sometimes i finish my food by the dustbin too quickly, i'd walk behind the canteen. Where there's nobody. Only one small little water way canal thingy, the red brick wall, my clean school shoes and me. I'd always remember that. It's so lonely but i felt at ease. Nobody's judging me for having no friends.

Strange enough. I felt good on the first day of P5. Mainly becox my bro-in-law sent me to school in a car. And then people start talking to me, including me in for games. It was five stones, zero point and Starfish then. I met Shuling. She's REALLY REALLY popular. Great dancer. Super outspoken and when she cries, everyone in the world would wanna stand up for her. We were bestfriends becox we'd always hang out together after school and i'd walk her home then i'd go home (which is only one canal width away from school) myself. Then i played the games so well, that i became 老大. It was all soooooo DAMN good! I never had to do home work becox girls who wanna join my group in the games will have to copy home work for me. And i was involved in teachers' day performance. Dancing. HAHAHA.

Then i was mixing with the hotter and smarter girls in school only. Shuling, Joycelyn and a few other more of Joycelyn's friends all in EM1 or the better of EM2.

I was also smart lah. Just super lazy. And mean. If i decided not to friend someone, the girl would sure feel as bad as i did in P4.

My studies was good, my friends like me, i had good hair year (rare), everything was good.

Til the last part when i was gonna go to 6/5 instead of 6/2. Cox i was from 5/2 you see. I should go to 6/2 and click with all the popular friends. Stay in the pretty-girls class and continue to be 老大 right! BUT NO!!! I was going to 6/5!!! Shity or not! 5/5 i heard was made up by mainly other races and overage foreign students!!! So going to 6/5 was just 晴天譬力!!! I remembered i cried a lot over it. During the holiday i became really good friends with Lynette (we even handmade ornaments and went door to door to sell them), Joycelyn and Shuling. We will always hang out in arcades or just some random roof top. And jalan berseh CC. It was like our second home.

Then in P6, i met Amy, YuQing and Emily. We were really close. I was the goodie kid in Mrs The's eyes. She never punished me. Even when she had to ask the whole class to stand, she would ask me to sit down. Say she knew it would be unfair to ask me to stand. I really liked her. I remember how happy she look when one day she was watching us play captain's ball during PE lesson. She looked different. Happier. Then one week later, she finally told us she was pregnant. I felt happy for her, and i'd get mad at the boys who don't behave and made her angry. Meantime, I still hang out with the rest of the 6/2 clique whenever i can after school but they were different to me, somehow.

One day i was having 旺仔奶茶 in the canteen during recess that was right after PE lesson. Only wearing my PE tshirt and shorts. Joycelyn walk over to talk to me. I told her randomly,

"嗯, 很好喝 leh!"

Following second, she pulled down my PE shorts. I was wearing Bobdog under wear. It was worn and torn at some parts. And the boy i admire secretly was standing very near. And i only had one hand to pull up my PE shorts. Becox their other hand, it was my yummy 旺仔奶茶.

She ran a few leap away and laughed. I didn't chase to hit her nor did i show that i was REALLY angry at her. Becox i still want to befriend the 6/2 clique. I was still afraid to have no friends.

To have no one liking me.
No one wanting to be nice to me.
I don't want that to happen man!

Then the other incident, i was again.. Drinking 旺仔奶茶. Sigh. 旺仔奶茶害我不淺啊~ Joycelyn came and I SWEAR, I FORGOT ABOUT THE PE SHORT PULLING INCIDENT. I exclaimed,

"嗯, 很好喝 leh!"


Next thing i know, she shoved the whole can of 旺仔奶茶 in my face when i was drinking, and it spilled to my whole body.

"好喝啊? 喝多一點 loh"

I gave her a face and i diao her very hard. Mainly becox i hated the sticky feeling i knew would come afterwards. Not becox i hated her for doing what she did. She laughed and ask me,

"做麼? 你講好喝 mah..!"

Haha.. Actually it's funny. I am not mad at her even now but i just didn't understand why she did those things.

Then one other day we were having after school lunch at New World Centre food court. They all had the western food which looks yummy and had a lot of stuff in a package. Like ice cream/ jelly/ fruit salad etc etc. I only had money for one Lor Mai Gai (Glutinous Chicken Rice). But it tasted great anyways. I love Lor Mai Gai. So i exclaimed out of true feelings,

"嗯, 很好吃 leh!"

Then Joycelyn poured her Sarsi into my Lor Mai Gai.

I finished the Sarsi Lor Mai Gai. Not the best tasting, but it was my only lunch.

Then i graduated and went on to Secondary school life. Same old same old, i had really bad times and really great times. But i am tired now, maybe i'd share again when i get down to it. Just going through the old memories of having no friends keeps me bothered.

I do think a lot of who i am today, in terms of my character and personalities and even morale values, i think it all rooted from my kindergarten and primary school days.

Coming through the years, i must admit i spoke-ill of certain people (but i'd never cook up stories, i only spreaded stories before) and feel that it's a REALLY bad thing to do. It's like i take bitching as a bridge to link up with other people to make more friends and alliances.

But when i reflect upon it, it always makes me feel hell guilty and shameful. Even when the person that i spoke ill of doesn't know i spoke ill of her. But those people aren't close friends okay. I don't do bad things to close friends AT ALL.

And then i ask myself why do i sometimes, just sometimes, still do it. And i realise i am not really into making more friends. In fact i abhor making new friends. Becox i haven't been the best friends of the friends i already have. I haven't been able to find enough time for my closest friends. I haven't been able to be there to hear them out. So i want less friends!

But what i am really fearful of is to have no friends. And no one liking me. So i'd still think of making people like me when we are sharing gossips.

But i think i'd stop doing it now.
And i haven't done it for more than half a year (spreading stories) but i'd never do it again.

I'm sleepy. Gonna sleep. And may the Almighty in you pull you through all the dark time. And make you strong despite all the judgment people cast upon you.

I am still afraid to know if someone doesn't like me.

And i hope that i'd be a changed person after bearing my heart to everyone that bothers.
I hope that i won't be so afraid to stand up for my morale in the future just becox i want to be likable.

I did a fair share of bullying other people and also went through the bullying from other people. Neither felt good. Being bullied was of course a lousier choice. But bullying might be a little too much for a comeback.

You guys who take an effort to read all these wordie chunks, love me, i think.
And it's good enough for me to know =))

Night night..



grace was here said...

I've been bullied since primary school and in fact am still going through it now at 19 y/o. The sad thing about being bullied is that there's usually no defensive reason for it. The most common is just "I just don't like you". I've been bullied for anything ranging from being too quiet, pretty (their words not mine), having things people want, boys attention, good grades.. Anything. And for supposedly being proud cos I'm shy.

Apparently Goo Hara the kpop singer has also been bullied for being pretty. Given that Crystal and you are also pretty, all I can say is that there will always be insecure, jealous girls and that is the only way I can tell myself to raise my chin up.

avebelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
QiuQiu said...

Hello Grace! I wouldn't mind if i was pretty then! LOL. But sad enough, i kind of 認命 to all the bullying becox i KNEW i was ugly. Until maybe Secondary three, then i thought i am looking more humanly. Haha. Are you studying in a JC or Poly or? I been through a lot of "Yikes, that girl is gross" bullshit from many people. But it really only mean that people actually pay you attention. Haha. YOu jiayou okay! Just stick closely to the people who are genuine and treats you well. I manage to find a bunch of really good buddies in my poly days. Think those will be friends for life.. JIAYOU JIAYOU! =D

Unknown said...

I wonder what did you say to each other to have your pants pulled down :) Cause I don't know Chineese

Anonymous said...

Thanks Qiu Qiu for this post! :) Like you, I also came from a hokkien speaking family and didn't know a single word of English until I went to kindergarten. Because of that, the teachers also think that im slow / stupid lol.

But we've all grown up and learnt from this experience.. makes us stronger aye? haha