The correct word to describe how i feel would be.. Trapped. Trapped in a cycle of motion, lacking time to really care for my emotions.
Been feeling like this for a long time.. But i simply ignore it. I thought if i could finally clear my work and have no back-log at some point of time, i will be better! The reasons why i feel bad is cox i feel bad towards the clients who are waiting for their drafts. I feel bad towards the nice Nuffies who have to answer to the clients. I am sorry.. I am trying and i don't know if i'm trying hard enough, but i am definitely having a hard time trying.
Then i realise that everything i'm doing, is just me trying to go through the motion, to get myself out of these lousy emotions.
Everyday i tell myself "this is not the way to live.." But i still live pass everyday lkke this.
Tonight i can't..
My computer broke down that's why i'm here blogging from my mobile.
There's something about my computers breaking down that works an effect on me. If you don't already know, me and mac, have an issue. This is probably the 9th iMac / macbook that i've shut down, for good.
Previosuly when it happens, i will be so angry and upset but this time i was so relieved. I thought to myself.. "Wah finally i have a reason to stop" You know, that feeling you get in class when your teacher report sick lol.
I blogged this on my mobile at 4am half way through editing my pictures when my computer become like this..
Sian that i have to get Josh to bring it for servicing OR to bring it to retrieve my data and then buy a new desktop..
But i feel like this is a sign to tell me i'm ready to just break.
Break as in zam-break lolol. Not break into pieces ah lol. Break and put everything to a short pause. Clear my engine and reboot.
Thing about our lives with smartphones and all is that, we can never really stop unless we pull an eatpraylove and just jet off to somewhere and fuckcare the world. Which is not something i wanna do ever cox i love my family and friends. Or unless we use a 3310 and can only SMS and play snake all day. Woah, life was so much simpler back in my teenage days lol.
So i thought about how this could be where i take a break before i start to break for real.. And i decided that.. I simply can't. It will be too irresponsible to make the whole world wait for my drafts while i reboot.
So thank you for reading through my rant, but it'd be more productive if i just f-off now to clear some more work that doesn't need the computer yet.
I wish i could say "I'm so tired" but i am actually not. I'm not tired. When you're doing something you love, you won't get tired of it. I enjoy mothering my baby, i don't feel tired about that. I enjoy blogging so i don't feel tired about that. I guess i just don't enjoy having to meet numerous deadlines all at one time becox..
Becox i am my own boss why do i have to slog like a dog and get stressed day in day out by deadlines.
Who's really gonna die anyway, from deadlines? Lolol.
So yeah, i'm not tired, i'm just feeling very trapped.