Not sure if this is too big a word to talk about. I have done a lot of things in my life that i'd need to beg for forgiveness for.
Bad things. I do to people, thinking they don't hurt as easily as i can make them. But i did so with every intention of wanting to hurt them.
Sometimes i wanna hurt people becox they hurt me first.
Sometimes i wanna hurt people becox they hurt me back.
Sometimes.. I simply wanna hurt people cox they cut my queue.
Food queue especially. Haha.
But anyway.. We all hurt and inflict hurt.
But then when is it we call stop and say sorry, and forgive. I think it's only when we realise.. It's not hurting anyone else but ourselves..
It strikes me today especially hard cox it's my sister's birthday.
We've had good times.. Bad times.. Through the 20 over years i've spent with her. And i can't believe that i disowned her in my heart for the longest time (like 6 months).. Until today it really strikes me.
I am a horrible person. We've done things and said things we shouldn't to each other. More so me. Cox i in particular am an ultimate nasty bitch when i am crossed =X I don't deny.
But whatever it is, i was just trying to get my point across and in my heart of hearts i only want the best for my sister. No hidden intention, no ulterior motive, it's just.. I want her to be with good people, do good things and lead a good life.
But now that time has proven (and diluted strong aggressive feelings haha).. She's good enough to be on her own.. Living life to her standard then who the fuck am i to tell her what's okay and what's not.
So for the longest time though we're chatting in the sisters group chat, i never forgive her. Not that she needs my forgiveness, it's just in my heart, i void her off. I only talk to her when she sends Baby Yurou's pictures and video O.O Hahaha. Anyway that's just how bad things were.
But now when i look around.. Everyone who was involved is now happy each on their own.
So what was my point back then exactly..? Trying to forcefully make unhappy people happy?
Some point of time we all have to back the fuck off and close our eyes and tell ourselves..
"I AM SO TOTALLY NOT GOD, SO GOD HELP ME" Hahaha.
I am too eager and impatient for my own good. It's like if there is route A and route B in front of us.. And i know route B is the harder longer route to get to your destination and I KNOW IT cox i can SEE IT. But if you insist to take B route (instead of A as i suggested), i'd be like OMG THIS IS SO PERSONAL DO YOU NOT TRUST ME?!?!?! WHY WOULD YOU DOUBT ME AND GO MAKE STUPID MISTAKES?! Lolol. But fact is.. Route A leads to many routes and so does route B.
Everyone don't just have my suggested path and the path they wanna chose to take for themselves. I get it now.
But still, the hurt was done. Me to her, her to me. And i always feel a missing piece in me when i void her in my heart. And i hope she can forgive me for having done that. Cox now i know i have my faults too (that means she too lolol) and i forgive her but not as much as i hope she'd forgive me.
She probably already forgiven me cox she don't think of things that much O.O Haha. Today is her birthday and when i was wishing her Happy Birthday.. I was feeling like a bastard. Like.. How could i have done that in my heart, to void her for more than half a year. She's my sister.
I learnt from this incident that.. When you hurt someone intentionally.. You don't get to fix it.. You can only forgive and move on. And there are many ways to move on.. Some people simply don't care anymore. Some people ignore. Some people try to fix it and succeed eventually.
But heng, my sister is my sister, we both run no drop one. Lol.
Happy Birthday Niao Niao. I am sorry.
I guess we can never really stop learning from incidents.. Good or bad. Usually the bad ones teach you the most valuable lessons. But that's mainly cox it's so damn expensive, the money / sweat / blood / tears you have to go through.
Whatever it is.. Forgiveness feels so damn good. I can haz my sister back O.O Though it's all really one-sided cox like i never really tell her anything in her face. I might have told her..
"I don't wanna friend you anymore"
She thought i was joking =_=" Lolol.
So if you can.. Maybe think of someone to forgive or to ask for forgiveness from.. Sometimes even when it's only happening in your heart, it gives you the peace you need.
Ah boh damn gao wei.
If there is Love, it can never go wrong. Just gotta be fucking patient, hang around, wait and see.
And if i can learn better the next time, i'd remember to shut up and be quiet while waiting.