I feel a sense of lost. Of how i lost someone i barely met or have memories of, of how if that person is still alive, i would be the perfect sister to her. I miss my eldest sister who passed away when i was only one year old.
I don't know her. But i heard she loved me dearly. Everyday she would return from school, run to pick me up and call me "心肝宝贝".. I always wonder how anyone who hasn't mature could love their siblings so thoroughly. Cox you know siblings, they are always fighting for something with us haha. My sisters and i (total 6 of us) had our fair share of siblings fights.
That's why i really think that Sijie is very blessed to bring up four good kids, who always lookout for each other.. The elder one will always look after the younger ones =))
Past few weeks were really hard for me. I can't say much, but it was really hard.
One of the nights i was wiping Meredith's poop and i just started crying haha. People don't know will think "Omg her baby de shit got so smelly ah?!" I cried becox on one hand i am so contented and happy with my life, my baby, my husband and the people i choose to surround myself with, the family i was born into, and with the things i do for a living.
On the other hand i just wish people are kinder to each other.. Be honest, be nice.
Anyway i simply look at Meredith and feel i need to be strong for her. I need to stand up for the right things, even if i don't have to. Even if i am not the most courageous person around, I need to find courage.
Becox these are the things i'd wished for her, ever since i was carrying her..
For that moment when i look at her (she was happy cox somehow babies all love to have their bumbum cleaned haha), i feel so ashamed of myself that i'm not strong enough.
I haven't been strong to stand for myself before i was expecting her.. I haven't been strong enough to stand for us when i was pregnant, i am still not strong enough now.. But i will be.
I look at Meredith.. And i think of my eldest sister. The one who loved me so. The one who is not around anymore. I told my sister, in my head, that this must be how much she loved me. Maybe a different kind of love.. But the ones who truly love you, will only want the best for you.
And that is what i want for Meredith. I wanna be the best kind of mother she can be proud of.
I have no inheritance for her.. But i can at least impart the correct moral values to her. At least i know that that is something that will last her a long time.
But looking at how i handle things that come my way, i am too weak. Weak at heart, weak in the mind.
That time is over, anyway.
This day on i stand for myself. I stand when i want to. I stand where i want to.
Other than sense of loss, i also feel a sense of pity. Pity at how some stuff didn't turn out well. Pity at how time tells..
Pity for what could have been.
Pity for the people i've hurt that i shouldn't.. I am sorry if i was ever harsh and mean and unforgiving. You guys don't deserve to be treated that way, regardless.
I am sorry.
I guess there's really no point in throwing-back. If it was good, it lives through time.
If it is bad, it's meant to look bad some day. So we can all start to throw-away instead of throwback..
I know i haven't been updating the baby journal. I will. Just wanna come in to pen down this period which is extremely trying.. Good night, good people.