12 June 2014

Still growing up..

I've been feeling quite.. Moody. It's been a while.

Just seem like what i want to go great doesn't happen for me and then there's this stupid feeling of self-pity. I am a positive person and even if i can't be.. I want to be. I mean each time i feel the pang of sadness and when tears can't stop i try to remind myself of how there are plenty of other good things happening for me.

Like.. Today i just got a new ambassadorship.. Like how i have lotsa new ads and job offers coming in and like how my family just came back from a nice trip to Malaysia and like how i totally look forward to my trip to Hong Kong and Korea this year end..

But then you know they say it doesn't matter how much fun you had.. If you can't share it with anyone, it means it didn't really matter. Last time i would tell my bestfriend everything and most of the things i'd tell Josh and then some other things i'd only tell my sisters haha. It's like everyone can know most things but some other things are only meant for some people and not others.

Now it's like one of my important storage compartment gets taken away from me and i don't know where to put everything that's meant to be in there. And there's a part of me that doesn't wanna believe that it's happened but the part of me that is weakened that has given up after trying hard is telling me to just acknowledge a fact that is put together for me bit by bit, through actions..

Actions of no action.

It's hard to share this with anyone and not have them think that i just need to grow up. Cox "people come, people go" remember? Months ago i shared about it and was trying to deal with it. But after so long, i still don't think it's meant to be this way. It is not.

If it is then why do people need to get married. Why do people need to have kids? Why do people need to maintain kinship with their family. Your spouse will go. Your kids will go. Your family will go.

It's not meant to be taken so lightly. If you have to breakup, you have to be depressed over it.

If someone has to die, someone else have to cry.

If someone has to leave.. Someone else have to be hurt.

If there's no repercussion of one person ending a relationship then i guess the relationship was never worth it. But if it is (it is) then there has to be emotions involved.

Anger is destructive.

Disappointment is helpless.

But the fear to face those feelings.. That's the worst feeling of all.

They say when you don't hear anything or when you know you won't hear anything even when you ask, from someone you need answers of.. You can make a closure within yourself. And i did.

And with that i feel much much better but the anticipation period before the revelation is high. So high that sometimes i feel like i am going explode with thoughts.

So til then.. I guess it's all about waiting it out.

It's just sad that even someone who would never wanna hurt you, will.

Just so sad.. So sad. I think i am a little depressed about this holy shit. STOP CRYING WTF.

Going back to people telling me i need to grow up cox i have to understand that with time.. People come, people go. Thing is.. I understand that. And as i grow older, i tend to screen people a lot more before i let them into my life. And some others will never be in my life. But to the handful ones who does, when i am comfortable enough i invite them to the other good people in my life. My husband.. My family.. My other friends..

But then what is it worth now..? When people can just cut me and my everything out of their life and cut themselves out of my life.

I am just so hurt right now becox for the longest time, i pretended like i don't know. I pretended like i am not aware. I keep pushing and i keep trying. Like it doesn't hurt.

But then i guess when it's time, it's time. And it doesn't matter how much i don't want it to be like this.. I just have to live with it and live on without that compartment i would love to share my life with and to grow up with and to grow old with.

I just.. Don't want people to go.

Oh god maybe i'm still growing up.


Bernie said...

I have the same thoughts as you, but most of the time I don't confide in my 'compartment storage' and store my thoughts within me until they go away. I try to think positively, but sadly I'm not as positive as you :) I'm still trying though. They say attitude is everything. We're human, so it's ok to be melancholic once in a while. Cheer up QiuQiu ^^^

Anonymous said...

i feel you.. :( I encountered the same thing recently. Fell off with a very good friend. Felt so hurt that our friendship has become so strained now.

elderflowertea said...

Yeah, this is life. No choice lah.

Hazel said...

Qiuqiu I always look upon u as the brightest girl in SG, always cheerful and smart. each time i read your tweet it lightens my day because u have such a positive energy. So it kind of saddens me to know u had been feeling abit low. Hope u can get over the sadness soon, u deserve better people in your life :)

butterfliee91 said...

Suddenly started crying n was recalling a bad and regretful incident. Basically I was suicidal at the age of 23. My romantic relationship brought me a lot of pain when it was broken, as suddenly it seemed the suck out a lot of meaning and joy I had for my life. Being suicidal was a further mistake that I had made. I had thus realised and asked myself: What exactly is the meaning of life. If romance was extremely impt/the most impt thing, how is a person going to live without. I thus have to re-examine what brings meaning into my life.

Anonymous said...

Blimey, it just happened to me as well. A friendship of 14 years. Just gone for so many stupid reasons. And the whole process hurt and at some point I just made a cut, I don't want to see her anymore, hear from her, read her shit on Facebook.
Feel hugged, I hope you get through this without too many tears!


JC said...

i was once in the point of life, all depressed and feeling so close to suicidal but in the end i managed to climb back up from the downward spiral. Just believe, and keep that determination going. Life is beautiful.

Anonymous said...

love this so much that i wish to share! 行到水穷处,坐看云起时 JIAYOU!!! *inserts flexed biceps emoji*

Alice Lee-Yang said...

You lose some now, you will gain some later. Most importantly you have a great relationship with your family which so many ppl yearn for themselves too. Cheers and be happy! :)

JaniceAng said...

Going through exactly the same thing over the past 2 years.. It seems like these 8-9years friendships don't matter to them anymore & they just move on. & my bf keep telling me people move on and blame my own stupidity for having created such a close bond with an outsider who is not family.
He is right but you're right too. It's supposed to hurt. If it doesn't hurt at all, it means it didn't matter. The worse part is that for them, it seems like it doesn't hurt... & I was the only one who considered them to be close like kin..

I guess as time goes by, they will know these are their loss. Not ours. Because we are better people and they didn't cherish us. But for now... We just have to nurse this hurt...