28 March 2015

Our first three weeks

Hi. I've lost track of time somewhere in the middle.. In between depressing pumping session, spending time with Meredith and trying to keep up with being a human being myself thus having to still do things like eating, brushing my teeth, drinking enough water and putting food in my mouth when i get signals that i am too hungry. Becox hunger alone is not enough for me to drop something i am doing to go sit down and have something to eat. Most of the time i feel light-headed or headache and i'd be like.. Oh okay, time to down some food to keep going.

There's plenty of food in the house. Two meals a day from Thomson's confinement food delivered, delivered to my doorstep twice a day. And then there's fruits and bread and hot beverages Josh got for me. I just can't find a time to get to it sometimes.

A good example of my 3 hour cycle when i'm on shift would be.. 45 minutes to an hour to feed the baby, 25 minutes to pump including preparation, and then on a good shift i can grab some sleep after some leisure surfing.

Other time after a shower / after meal.. It's about time to pump / feed the baby again.

Do i enjoy time spent with her? YES. A 100%. Each time she smiles.. Or when she's just sound asleep and satisfied.. I smile. Each time she is not squirming in discomfort.. I thank god.

But do i enjoy everything else? No. I dread the idea of having to eat, food, medication and supplement. Can't i just run on constant power source? Plug me in on the power socket! I just wanna keep going, without feeling hungry or sleepy? I procrastinate each time i have to take off my top and my maternity bra and then change into my hands-free pumping bra to pump milk that would only fill half of Meredith's per meal. I find that highly inefficient. And i hate inefficiency. I hate.

People who keep preaching about how wonderful breastfeeding journey has obviously left out the part where they feel like shit if they can't produce enough milk.. OR if they have short nipples.

Which leads to the baby not wanting to latch in peace becox she has to suckle very hard.

And then cause the mum to have cracked and bleeding nipples.

Which leads the mum having to pump and live her life on a 3 hour cycle. Of which if you include being a human being, sometimes there's only less than 1 hour to sleep in each cycle and other cycles, you just don't sleep lol. And the rest of the cycles, you spend all your time googling what's wrong with you and your breastmilk, why are you not getting it, why you simply cannot make it right.

And then they probably also left out the part where if you are finally settling in.. You still might face other difficulties like engorgement where your boobs look really nice for half a day, full, perky and all but then later it will shoot fire sensation all the way to your nipples, your boobs will harden so bad you can't even move your arms, and you can't sleep on your side becox any movement to the boobs is like someone jabbing your boobs with a hammer when you are having pre-menstrual sore boobs X 10 soreness level.

And then if you face engorgement you can either take pills to get it over and done with and stop breastfeeding, or you just deal with the engorgement for a few days before your milk supply stops FOREVER.. Until you have the next child lah lol.

OR you can ask for a engorgement massage which hurts like a big fat bitch but it will soften your boobs and let you be able to pump / latch better.

So if you still think you wanna breastfeed by this point, you simply carry on in good faith. If everything goes well, congrats.

If not.. I guess that's where my story continues. LOL #toughluck with breastfeeding but i'm carrying on not becox i still believe when people say "Breastfeeding is a wonderful journey" by the way whoever tells me that now will get a slap across the face + pinch and twist on her nipple until ohr-chair in my imagination okay sorry but it is the only way to make me feel better thank you LOL.

I am simply continuing of course becox they say breast milk has antibodies and it's good for the baby, and also cox i've been through 4 sessions of boobs engorgement massage (it gets more tolerable after the second session) and the first two times was so painful, i am not going to let the pain i endured to go to waste.

So.. What do i look forward to now? I only look forward to my baby being able to latch when she's older by a bit and gets stronger at suckling. This way i will feel more purpose in breastfeeding. This is the only motivation i have now for me to keep pumping. But honestly, even that i'm not sure if it will happen. But hey, like i said.. I simply carry on in good faith so.. Good luck to me.

Here's what i manage to capture in the most chaotic three weeks of my life..

Discharge from Thomson Medical and got home with Si Jie, Michelle and Monkey. They are here to help Josh and i settle in with the baby. This is the hardest to fix baby bouncer ever haha.
While they fix up the bouncer.. Obsessive godma attacks again haha. Creepy, that face.
Introducing Meredith to her furry siblings hahaha. They were in their room for a while when there's guests cox they go CRAZY hyper with guests.
Tiffany is super duper curious about Meredith one! She's very good with her paws so kept trying to paw Meredith omg haha.
Drago don't really dare to go near Meredith initially. And will run away to hide or flip his ears back if she cries. I guess her crying is too loud for Drago also haha.
Tiffany REALLY wants to play with her but i guess not yet O.O Maybe when she's slightly older!
Everyone chilling. The first day Tiffany followed Meredith and Josh EVERYWHERE. Bedroom, living room, kitchen, everywhere. I think she don't wanna lose her place as daddy's favourite haha!
Swaddled her in for her nap after milk.
As big as the bolsters haha. This shall be her growth guide haha.
Dinner time.. Eating with her in my arms becox i can. Hahaha. When she's still 2.9kg.
Deliveries kept coming in through out the first week omg. Apart from the ones sent to the hospital, these are some that came in the first day we got home. Thank you everyone!!! Sorry if i didn't manage to snap pictures of them all! But thank you so much for sending us sweet thoughts!
From the best party and event planner Assemble Happinest and Givefun! They are working together on Meredith's first month celebration! Very excited about it! =DDD
Second day morning.. Daddy so tired until fall asleep at his work desk with baby haha.
Lookie which baby came to visit!!! =D BB Junya with Cheesie!!! They happen to be in town with the dad on business trip so just nice pop by to see Meredith!!! How's his outfit? Josh got them long ago HAHAHA it's supposed to be a mini-Josh outfit.
Told Cheesie that i wanna 许配 Meredith to Junya becox he is half-Japanese hahaha! Junya be like "Alright i have a straw as 定情之物. Here you go Mere chan.." Next he proceed to pull off her blanket LOL. Dating game starts young.
What face is this Meredith? Ugly lah~!! Haha.
"岳母大人~" Junya calling out to me hahaha. No lah he was reaching for the camera.
Night time.. Super duper tired as you can see from the dark eye rings but still on a high of finally having a newborn that belongs to us =)))
Eu Yan Sang sent over a hamper with a post-natal kit with all the ingredients you'd need to brew soup etc! Thank you Eu Yan Sang!
Next day.. Selfie with my baby~ =D At this point i wasn't getting engorged yet but it was building up.
Baby 笑到酱勉强?

Later in the day my cracked nipples that were bleeding 1.5 day ago was healing up so i tried to pump.

Thank god the Philips AVENT Comfort Double electric breast pump is one of the most comfortable ones available and also there's a massage cushion pad so i think it didn't feel painful while pumping becox i really don't think my engorged boobs could take anymore stress hahaha.

The whole time i couldn't express a single bit of milk while trying to use hand express.. I guess cox it was painful to even touch my boobs haha.

But after 2 minutes of gentle stimulation with the pump.. I saw this and i was like.. OMG IS IT WATER OR IS IT REALLY MILK?!?!?!?! AM I MAKING MILK FINALLY?!?!?!?!?! So i sent my girlfriend this picture and ask her if it's milk! She said yes~!!!! AFFIRMATION, YES!!!
But i'm still in a mess cox the engorgement was already happening. I only wished i started using the pump earlier. Before i even got engorgement problem. Becox everything would have been so much smoother. But no point crying over stuck milk i guess LOL. I remember i was tearing up with my sister Niao Niao sitting by my side and patting my shoulder while i try to work things out with my boobs by gently massage and all. Quite a sad sight..
So the next few days consecutively i didn't document anything simply becox i called the breast engorgement masseur over and all i can is.. In my head i punched her a lot of times becox it hurts so badly but in my heart i cannot thank her more than enough. Becox after she cleared my engorgement..
I manage to pump this packet of my sweat and blood though it's really just milk lah haha. So very thankful even though it's barely enough to make Meredith's snack hahaha. She was on 60ml/feed.

Somehow one night i got blocked duct again though not feeling as bad as when it first happened, it still hurts and i was scared that it will lead to engorgement again becox i don't think i can go through the painful massage again and just the thought of it made me cry so badly.

And i was feeling so warm and uncomfortable that night from rashes around my nipples (omg sorry, tmi lolol but hey, motherhood knows no shyness to private parts LOL, vjj becomes a pathway and boobs become food wth). and with the recovering wound and swollen legs from water retention and from the achey feeling from the epidural jab etc.

All these put together.. I just keep breaking down into tears. And then i look at Josh so beaten and tired from doing everything alone and i remember thinking.. "Is this how our lives are gonna be from now on? It is horrible. I can't do it."

I told Josh i regret.. Regret not hiring a confinement nanny. Becox now he has to shoulder it all by himself cox i am most comfortable in bed. And i have to rest my legs cox the swelling from water retention got even worst than when i was pregnant.

So i was sobbing uncontrollably and i ask him if the baby and me should move to a confinement centre for a month. He got angry and say he enjoys doing everything even if it's a little tiring becox he say having a confinement nanny means we will miss moments like..

This.. ='))))

Little terror just had her milk and was having a milk high or something haha. Kept smiling and smiling. Josh say having a confinement nanny will mean that we miss these precious moments our baby reward us with for all the hard work.. Makes sense =')))

So then i try to cheer up lah.

Good thing my sister keep giving me moral support also. She brought along this smiley pie Yuxuan!
Have to put this picture of Yuxuan cox omg those cheeks.. Lolol.
What the heck same cot different baby.. Meredith is just grumpy face and this Yuxuan smile at the hanging toy machiam like she just tio 4D lolol.
My brother in law bought $50 durian for me T.T He never buy durian that cost more than $10 one!!!
And he also cooked for me!!! Pearl really marry a good man!!!
Today's dinner extra ho liao!!! =DD
Sight i like to see..
Another day another face.. Meredith's face keep changing everyday!
Looking neat to go see Mrs Wong Boh Boi at Thomson Medical Parentcraft!

Actually i finally gave up and tell myself to STOP CRYING AND SEEK HELP. If not omg, every day and night i just break into tears thinking about my breastfeeding problems. Initially i thought the home massage i have will be good enough.

But i guess not. I really wanna let Meredith to be able to latch so i need a lot more milk if not she will feel pek chek suckling on like empty boobs lol. You know, it's something that if you cannot do as a first time mother, you feel inadequate.

Now i understand why there is be the type of mothers who preach it when they can produce good milk supply. Or preach it when they can breastfeed for a long time. And why they would keep talking as if that's their achievement of a lifetime lolol. If they do it naturally without having to face any obstacles, then they very lucky loh. If they do it out of willpower and have to overcome many obstacles to finally achieve good supply.. Then it's really a F-U in the faces of mothers who choose not to do it LOL. So either way, they deserve all the rights to preach it haha!

And i also fully understand why another bunch of mothers (like myself) will feel so annoyed by the above type of mother. Hahaha. We are the bunch of mothers who choose not to breastfeed / choose to give up after failure / give up as soon as possible / face a hell lot of problems with breastfeeding. So telling me how much milk you can produce so easily is like a FU in my face. Haha.

So you can tell i'm very disgruntled by the amount i'm producing for Meredith given the time and effort i've gone through. I mean c'mon, i'm not even obsessed in over-producing and stocking up etc. I just wanna produce enough for her every meal!!!

So we went on our first outing together! To go see Mrs Wong.
No joke. Tearful sleepless nights later, i look like crap hahaha.
My legs were still SUPER swollen as you can see. But nevertheless, OOTD time hahaha.
Josh  handling the baby while i have my session with Mrs Wong..

She helped me and Meredith soooooo much omg. When Meredith was latching for that 5 minutes, i just burst into tears what the heck. I mean ALL THE TIME I SPENT WORRYING IN FEAR, CRYING IN DESPERATION AND FEELING DEPRESSED.......

When all i need is to seek professional help.

After meeting Mrs Wong i feel soooooo much better not just becox she found a way for things to work between Meredith and i but also for the emotional support T.T She let me understand that it's nothing personal. And that i am not alone T.T Many new mums face the same problems..

So we had a big hug and then i left her office in tears of joy lolol a bit dramatic ah me.

And then i bump into Stefanie Sun!!!!!! =OOO She is so nice and friendly in person omg.
With Mrs Wong =D
Went home and tried to latch the baby + pump with the instructions Mrs Wong gave me! Doing a whole lot better but still can be improved lah! Self-expectation hahah.
Went back for follow up checkup 3 days later and this baby put on 0.4 kg already haha.
Meredith was fussing with me and Mrs Wong took over and again.. She instantly calmed down wthhhhh! I AM THEN YOUR MOTHER LEH MEREDITH hahaha!
"Mommy why you get auntie Wong to overwrite me =_=" Haha.
After my consultation with Mrs Wong, i went to Thomson Chinese Medicine for post-natal massage to hlep shrink my uterus and also to rid water retention. It works like wonder T.T I should have started way earlier. Why do i always like to wait for things to be bad before i do something. That's Maya my therapist and the friendly ladies at TCM!
Went home and had a good nap. Woke up to this.. Haha. Josh really likes to play with her.
Not sure if it's meant to be a puppy or meant to be a what.
I guess Josh is not the only one who had a hard time taking care of Meredith hahaha.
My baby is so tiny haha. "AHH I LOVE TO WATCH THEM TV SHOWS"
Just chillin' in bed haha!

On 17th of March.. I asked for Josh help to do the unthinkable omggg..

I was feeling better finally EXCEPT i have a ONE freaking clog duct *RAGE*

This one goddamn one just keep getting blocked even after Maya help me massage it off and clear it with spurting milk haha. So i know to latch it off is the best way but Meredith cannot take my instruction on where to place her chin right.. And her suction is not that strong yet..


Yeah. Josh had to help me before it gets worst O______O

He did and i shall spare you the details of the act but right after we're done..

He rushed into the bathroom and later i saw him squatting beside the toilet bowl..


He practically cleared his whole stomach LOL. FHL he had black hokkien mee for dinner. Puking black Hokkien Mee plus breastmilk....... I don't think he is ever gonna eat hokkien mee again HAHA!

Shit husbands are forced to do.

Someone else is getting the best of all worlds though. Milk coma again.. Haha.
Hi. Who's the white swan?
For this face i will endure all her temper what the heck. Michelle say she is very happy Meredith's temper is worst than mine hahaha she say "老天派她来收你" lolol. Thanks, my bff. Lol!
Don't need act cute anymore! What you want say!
Another weekend = Family time!!! =DD My parents came with Ah Bong and my sisters WITH..
MY FAVOURITE YUROUUUUU!!! Finally seeing her after so long T__T She kept trying to tell me stories she made up and won't allow me to talk to others haha. Maximising our time together ah =)))
She kept wanting to go in to mix with Drago and Tiffany haha but end up actually she very kiasi one. So Ah Bong gotta be her guardian haha.
That night someone was very happy. Okay lah you happy i happy, boss.
Daddy and baby nap time.. =)
And the next day.. My family come again T.T I am so happy when they come over.. Reminds me of what's normal and let me look forward to spending time with them like before..  Confinement please be over soon!!! =(
Dear Meredith, today daddy and mommy help you pick out your first ever big time pi sai. Lol. Thank you for letting me share the joy. Next time when you grow up, you will experience this super-shiok thing to do yourself.. It is your mommy's favourite thing to do =D Hahah.
And when i'm out for my post-natal massage.. Josh does this with Meredith at home.. If i were him, anytime i can, i will just wanna knock out and sleep. So i don't know where he find the time haha.

Oh gosh.. I have become that kind of parent.. HAHA. The kind who thinks every picture of my child is cute O.O SORRY!!! I just have no time to groom myself yet!!! After confinement i will!

Haha. I hope?

A video that is super put-together. I will never ever ever ever forget all the days and nights in the first two weeks where i spend crying and smiling. And most of all, i never wanna forget how.. Magical Meredith look in the first few weeks since she was born.. Omg mummy love you so much.


OMG her temperament i cannot =OOO

She is sooooooo quick-tempered and loud and impatient. Totally like her mum =__="

When i look at her, i see myself trapped in a helpless little body haha.