19 March 2022

Just to be sure..

Just to be sure.. I haven't entirely given up. Haha. The thought of wanting to continue documenting my life, backdated to when Amelia was just a tiny newborn.. The whole of this 4 years and 10 months.. The thought of that.. Accompanied by maybe 50,000 pictures/ videos..? Unthinkable.

But one can still hope.


But i'm here this morning cox i'm sitting by my computer after heading downstairs at 6am to clear my nose and throat cox i don't wanna wake the kids with the loud WREHHHHGHK PUI.. So i'm sitting here by the comp cox i forgot to bring my phone out of the room and i'm just still really thinking about yesterday. Me bringing my mother to the polyclinic for checkup with my sister.

There's so much food she shouldn't be eating, so much food she cannot eat due to health concerns.

Really got me thinking.. Life is a whole timeline of choices. Some choices made when we were not informed. Some choices made when we were given wrong information of.. Some bad choices we continue to make cox we are creatures of habit.. And those habit, they stay with us. Sometimes we pay a high price for these bad choices that stays.

And i'm not just saying health and diet choice.. Everyday as a mum of three i make choices too. Choosing to make sure everyone eat well, eat wise. Choosing to spend quality time with kids no matter how short or long it is. Choosing to bring them on nightwalks as much as possible or just play badminton with them at the backyard. Choosing to use love language instead of easy threats as bargaining chips. Choosing to make sure we go through the tormenting 30 minutes to do 4 Chinese characters with the girls everyday.

And i suck at that but i'm still trying to be as consistent as i can but some days you just really don't have that kind of energy to sustain. The past few days for example, i've been unwell, it's school holiday so i don't really wanna go all TAKE OUT THE CHINESE FLASH CARDS AND LET'S HATE EACH OTHER FOR 30 MINUTES BEFORE WE BECOME THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER FRIENDLY BFF AGAIN hahaha. It's true okay.

But my point is.. With the kids.. I'm consciously, constantly trying to make sure we are on the right track and that kind of mentality can be tiring. Like make sure if me or the kids makes some kind of mistake that is hurtful or damaging to our bond, to our good relationship, we fix it. We fix it as soon as we can. We talk about it and we talk about it again.

Cox i'm so afraid one day.. I might just stop trying to consciously make the right choice, do the right thing, put in the right amount of effort.. And one day my kids will decide to dislike me. And one decision to dislike me, after another.. And i don't try to fix it.. One day we will drift so far away we won't even understand or care about each other anymore.

I am afraid cox that was.. That IS what happened and still happening to me and my mother.

She made choices many times a day, mostly around herself, for herself. Day after day.. 365 days a year. Year after year. And these years turn into almost 30 years of non-fixable damage.

And this is why.. On most choices in life, i take quite lightly. Like even if i fail, i'd just do it better next time! Even if it farks up.. I'd pick it up easily. Yknow. I got that can-do spirit haha.

But choices around me and the kids.. These are choices that i still have to consciously make everyday.

May you make wise choices everyday. The kids are awake i gtg. Meredith is asking for a peanut butter sandiwich and Juuzai..? He just wanna be funny with me by hitting the back of my computer chair 20 times the last 2 minutes LOL.

Where's Amelia i need to make her feel like i didn't forget her.

LOL. Just to be sure.

30 July 2020

Me as a mum 2 Years 3 Months

The month i turn 30 and Amelia turn 1 month old.

Here's a video. Very very skimmed haha. Don't know how to work this new blogger embed thing but you can go to my youtube to watch ba.

I'm trying my best to put things together becox life is normal now, and there is this fear that life will become chaotic again and then i won't be able to find time to put down these diaries, which is major important to me becox i want my kids to be able to read back in 10, 20, 30 years. I don't know. Will Blogger still be around? Will Youtube still be around? I hope so. But we don't know.

Amelia looking like she was, a terror. Haha.

But sometimes she looks so beautiful, my heart. Haha.
Jiejie on the other hand has grown into a model LOL. At 2 years 3 months old.
These are all her posing for real.

Helping me take pictures with the cushions haha.

Out for lunch and someone fell asleep. So i had to carry her through out lol.
One of those evenings. I remember Amelia has colic daily 7-11. Josh and my helper takes most of it. I'd just be assisting with Meredith. Becox Amelia's cry made me feel so.. Distanced. It sounds really bad but it makes me not feel like i don't understand her and i don't know how to love her, and for that i feel so depressed. Like i really couldn't feel any joy. But of course i blame the hormonal imbalance hahahah.
Cox the truth is, i am so so so super blessed to have them both as my kids T.T

Their little interactions.

Watching her fall asleep like this. Moments like this i feel "Ohhh omg okay can. I got this" LOL. This was in the morning, just me and her in the playroom. But then..
Later in the day we were supposed to go out as a family but last minute only me and Meredith go out and find ganma becox i got so emotionally unstable and frustrated and helpless cox Amelia kept crying and fussing. And Josh don't like that i am like that so he say he'd stay home with Amelia in case we go out and she fuss and i ki siao again lol. So yup. Those were really some rollercoaster day to day haha.
Matchy top to toe lol. Gan ma bought this pair of shoes for Meredith. She wore it like once or twice only then meimei wear it once. Didi haven't wear but the velcro cannot use liao hahah.
Love to make people laugh this Meredith.
Just some Amelia baby time shots.
Started to grow some cheeks.
LOL Sean helping me finish my confinement food becox the portion very big HAHA. So thankful Rach and him pop by time to time to show support and to accompany me and to play with Meredith =))
We went to the A&E again cox Meredith fell super sick again. Vomit diarrhoea none-stop.
So. This one got story one.

Actually everything was okay. You can see Josh also very good mood. Becox as parents for 2 years plus, we been to A&E maybe 3-4 times liao. Cox just scared the kid gets dehydrated only. So must quickly go get meds to stop vomiting and to rehydrate. So we are very okay. BUT..

Later, we change our seating area to wait for another round of check. Then Josh became super pekchek. Like he so angry out of nowhere?? In my head i'm just like wtf chill lah. As if any of us wanna be here in the hospital at 3, 4am??? He started to act like alpha on offensive mode wth.

Only after we left the seating area, and go take meds, he became much better. Then after we left the hospital, got back home. Then he tell me about what he saw. The "thing" was just sitting right in front of him and it was ON a lady's face. Like not even around or beside. It was on her face. So yup.

Moral of the story is. I truly feel that period we just very sweh. And it was like that since July 2016. Like i just attract all the shit becox i was spiralling downwards. If i could, i would have slapped myself out of all the mental weakness becox i truly think it's a window that lets all the bad things find themselves through.

On the other spectrum of things though, if you attract good energy good thoughts, then it'd come to you as well. Now (now like now in 2020 July) more than ever i believe that mental health and mental wellness plays a HUGE part in EVERYTHING. So yall please stay sane and breathe okay.

A sleepy Amelia.

One night i took Amelia for the night cox Josh total burnout. She looks so.. Cute 😭

Becox Josh burnout, i took a very sick Meredith (she laosai 6 times that night maybe lol) and Amelia that night. But i pulled through cox Amelia quite cooperative lah only wake up to drink milk 3 times.
I've always felt like Amelia don't look very ready. Like she's still very foetus looking idk why!!!  Like she was already nearing 1 month but still look very unsettled in the environment haha.
Meredith and her love for nail polish =)
More cute shots of Amelia i don't wanna have to explain myself LOL.

Awww my baobei finally smile. Haha.
Me and Ganma on my 21st birthday party. Was it 21st or not. I cannot remember. Don't know who send me one but since it's the photo album i just put here lah in case i lose it next time haha.
Felt too stuffy again, sneak out during confinement to bring Meredith for movie. I think that might just be her first movie i cannot remember.
After movie we go wash hair. She super good girl, play by herself until she doze off.
On meimei's first month. You can see the full celebration post here.

The rare few decent pictures of Amelia awake that day haha.

sunday business as usual to Yishun to freeload. Haha. At this time Meredith still didn't have an iPad.
Amelia and Sanyi.
Last day of confinement i remember. Haha. Not like i took a lot of care this confinement but yup. Out and about with the girls hahaha.

Selfies with Meredith before we head for ganma's birthday.

Ganma's childhood dream come true haha.

Can't say every guests enjoy themselves though LOL. This period we nickname Amelia as Mental Melia. LOLOL. She really will kisiao and fuss until damn angry, ANYTIME.
To Jia's wedding!!!

With Dotty!

The coolest most easy-going and fun couple T.T

"jiejie so big still eat tutu!"

"Don't kiss me ah"
"I said no!"
"Er... Okay.. sure"
I how sweh that period also still have family and kids who love me so so so much T.T You see my face that time you know i stepped on dogshit LOLOL.
100% my daughter LOLOL.

I hope Meredith will remember all the times she messed up haha. And all the ice cream she sneaked.
Cheesie and Carolyn treat me to birthday meal hehe.
Sierra handmade card with mummy Fel, and they got a birthday cake for me! So sweet.

That was one of the quietest birthday i've had. Mainly cox i was stressed from handling newborn Melia. But it was very quiet as in, i wasn't getting much job, not many people / clients wanna associate with me due to the lawsuit etc. But everything works out right? The clients who believed in me, we are still working closely. And i'm still friends with the friends who stood by me. Yutaki posted this on my birthday. Thankful for the friendship always 😭
On actual day of my birthday.
I went to do hair and then we went to eat, and dive into ball pits. It was a very casual day out. But i finally felt.. Better again.

I remember telling myself, 30 is a fresh start. It's a good time to move forward.

And sure enough, i think i decided to pick myself up from then.

Of course i didn't immediately turn okay. It took some time, but i decided to get it down, when i turn 30.

I mean think about it, 30, 2 kids, a loving and supportive husband, a happy big family, that handful of close friends, i have everything it takes to not just pull through, but to thrive.

So why will i wither and not thrive?

I shall then.

That was the day i decided.

Fast forward to July 2020, i realise the amazing thing is, you can decided today to be THAT one day, you decide to do better, to be better.

Everyday could be that one day.

Good night.