19 March 2022

Just to be sure..

Just to be sure.. I haven't entirely given up. Haha. The thought of wanting to continue documenting my life, backdated to when Amelia was just a tiny newborn.. The whole of this 4 years and 10 months.. The thought of that.. Accompanied by maybe 50,000 pictures/ videos..? Unthinkable.

But one can still hope.


But i'm here this morning cox i'm sitting by my computer after heading downstairs at 6am to clear my nose and throat cox i don't wanna wake the kids with the loud WREHHHHGHK PUI.. So i'm sitting here by the comp cox i forgot to bring my phone out of the room and i'm just still really thinking about yesterday. Me bringing my mother to the polyclinic for checkup with my sister.

There's so much food she shouldn't be eating, so much food she cannot eat due to health concerns.

Really got me thinking.. Life is a whole timeline of choices. Some choices made when we were not informed. Some choices made when we were given wrong information of.. Some bad choices we continue to make cox we are creatures of habit.. And those habit, they stay with us. Sometimes we pay a high price for these bad choices that stays.

And i'm not just saying health and diet choice.. Everyday as a mum of three i make choices too. Choosing to make sure everyone eat well, eat wise. Choosing to spend quality time with kids no matter how short or long it is. Choosing to bring them on nightwalks as much as possible or just play badminton with them at the backyard. Choosing to use love language instead of easy threats as bargaining chips. Choosing to make sure we go through the tormenting 30 minutes to do 4 Chinese characters with the girls everyday.

And i suck at that but i'm still trying to be as consistent as i can but some days you just really don't have that kind of energy to sustain. The past few days for example, i've been unwell, it's school holiday so i don't really wanna go all TAKE OUT THE CHINESE FLASH CARDS AND LET'S HATE EACH OTHER FOR 30 MINUTES BEFORE WE BECOME THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER FRIENDLY BFF AGAIN hahaha. It's true okay.

But my point is.. With the kids.. I'm consciously, constantly trying to make sure we are on the right track and that kind of mentality can be tiring. Like make sure if me or the kids makes some kind of mistake that is hurtful or damaging to our bond, to our good relationship, we fix it. We fix it as soon as we can. We talk about it and we talk about it again.

Cox i'm so afraid one day.. I might just stop trying to consciously make the right choice, do the right thing, put in the right amount of effort.. And one day my kids will decide to dislike me. And one decision to dislike me, after another.. And i don't try to fix it.. One day we will drift so far away we won't even understand or care about each other anymore.

I am afraid cox that was.. That IS what happened and still happening to me and my mother.

She made choices many times a day, mostly around herself, for herself. Day after day.. 365 days a year. Year after year. And these years turn into almost 30 years of non-fixable damage.

And this is why.. On most choices in life, i take quite lightly. Like even if i fail, i'd just do it better next time! Even if it farks up.. I'd pick it up easily. Yknow. I got that can-do spirit haha.

But choices around me and the kids.. These are choices that i still have to consciously make everyday.

May you make wise choices everyday. The kids are awake i gtg. Meredith is asking for a peanut butter sandiwich and Juuzai..? He just wanna be funny with me by hitting the back of my computer chair 20 times the last 2 minutes LOL.

Where's Amelia i need to make her feel like i didn't forget her.

LOL. Just to be sure.