30 October 2015

Enough of feeling never good enough

The other day in the cab, i was thinking..

Trying to figure out why there's always this feeling of being never good enough. It's like i never do well enough for myself to feel good. I do, sometimes, on some things. But that's not good enough, is that, you have to do good for people you love, to your best ability, all the time, on all things.


How do you even try your best when you are a mum?

Since i become a mom, i always say "I'd try my best", how do i know if i'm already at my best? The best that i promise i'd try to be, how do i know if i am there yet?

To blogging, "I try my best"

To being a mother, "I try my best"

To being a wife, "I try my best"

To being a friend, "I try my best"

To being a daughter, "I try my best"

To being a sister, "I try my best"

To being a good aunt, "I try my best"

It is not good enough. I am not good enough. And i never will be if i keep trying.

I will only be good enough if i stop freaking trying.

And just be. Just be the best.

"I am the best" and i gotta start telling myself. I am the best mother i can be to Meredith. Pretty sure nobody loves her more than i do haha.

I am the best wife to Josh, pretty sure nobody can tahan his quirks like i do.

I am the best family member to my family members cox i am so cute? LOL.

I am not the best blogger but i am the best me you can get LOL SO DEAL WITH IT.

I am not everybody's bestfriend and that is perfectly okay. If someone is everybody's bestfriend then you gotta be careful of this person lolol #friendho LOL.

Anyway what i'm saying is.. I had enough of feeling never good enough. There's no way to trying to be the best, there will always be better, and there's no need at all to even be in comparison. Every mom is trying their best but i say we should stop trying.

We just all be the best kind of moms. We are all good moms. I also want to feed Meredith food three times a day and feed her all her milk, shower her everyday, change all her diapers and wipe her down and put her to sleep every night. And if i can't do that due to work, i just have to suck it up and look forward to tomorrow where i can be as obsessive as i want to be lolol.

I have to stop feeling so upset whenever i have to work T.T I really have to stop. The past one week i look at my schedule and everyday including the last weekend, there's work to do, places to be.

In my head i was just like "Kill me, just kill me, what am i missing out" But i am doing my best!!! I can't be cancelling all jobs right. I already am slowing down by so much and turning down a lot of jobs. The me in the past would be a crazy work maniac and take it on regardless lol.

And then when i get home i am so tired but i just wanna be with Meredith until she sleeps. Which is 11.30pm if we're lucky, 12am on normal day and 1am if we're unlucky LOL. But nowadays we're trying to train her to sleep by 11pm lah. But the thing is she alwayssss take super short naps in the day so it's really hard to catch her pattern. But i'd keep watch =D

Anyway yeah, i was saying, when i get home after work i just wanna die but i wanna live to play with Meredith LOL. And when she's asleep liao, it'd be a whole night of kicking and jabbing and nudging me and Josh, then next morning when i wake up at 9am i'd feeling like dying again LOLOL.

That is why i say, i respect all the mothers who do it by themselves. You guys are the strongest species that ever walked on earth, dinosaurs extinct liao you all still surviving. Hats off.

But hey, i am not as good as all those moms, but i am good enough for myself.

I am doing my best. I do everything by myself as much as i can and i am enjoying it, but i wanna enjoy it even by not wanting constantly to TRY to be even better.

I am good enough. I am not going to try anymore but i know.. I know i will just keep getting better.


Thuy Mi said...

Of course I don't know your personal situation, but from what I've been reading, you are a GOOD mother, you are a GOOD blogger and the rest I dunno XD. It's okay to have bad days and it's okay to not please everybody (around you). In the end, you are doing the very best that you can, and knowing that is all that matters.

Anonymous said...

Don't be so pessimistic there is a phrase compare up not enough compare down got extra in Chinese right? I've been a fan since forever and I've read that you don't have the best of mothers, therefore no matter what, you're already rising above your situation and doing better as a mother than can be expected of you right?

Worst comes to worst you will be the only mommy meredith ever knows so she can't really compare haha

But seriously, there is no such thing as perfection there is only trying your best all the time - just teach her to understand you are trying your best and she won't mind. I know I don't, even when my mother can't protect me from my father's 冷暴力 cos she is financially reliant on him and cos I see her trying her best in all the small little ways she cab yah.

So have strength and faith in your current thinking, I agree with it 100%!
-longtime reader :))

Anonymous said...

Seriously qui postparturm hit you hard . U great stop overthinking and overanalizing that separates your body from your mind , see therapist good luck

Mary said...

Hi QiuQiu,

Thank you for this post. Thank you for opening my mind.
I felt so hopeless and helpless in life. Because of this never good enough feelings.
Yes, i should live for myself. Be good for myself and never for others expectations.


Wow, Great post!!
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