01 September 2015

Throwbacks and throwaways

At some point of time in your life.. You look back upon some of the things that happened.. And think about how good / bad things were.. Of how these events have affected you and your life, made you become who you are.. And then you feel.

I feel..

I feel a sense of lost. Of how i lost someone i barely met or have memories of, of how if that person is still alive, i would be the perfect sister to her. I miss my eldest sister who passed away when i was only one year old.

I don't know her. But i heard she loved me dearly. Everyday she would return from school, run to pick me up and call me "心肝宝贝".. I always wonder how anyone who hasn't mature could love their siblings so thoroughly. Cox you know siblings, they are always fighting for something with us haha. My sisters and i (total 6 of us) had our fair share of siblings fights.

That's why i really think that Sijie is very blessed to bring up four good kids, who always lookout for each other.. The elder one will always look after the younger ones =))

Past few weeks were really hard for me. I can't say much, but it was really hard.

One of the nights i was wiping Meredith's poop and i just started crying haha. People don't know will think "Omg her baby de shit got so smelly ah?!" I cried becox on one hand i am so contented and happy with my life, my baby, my husband and the people i choose to surround myself with, the family i was born into, and with the things i do for a living.

On the other hand i just wish people are kinder to each other.. Be honest, be nice.

Anyway i simply look at Meredith and feel i need to be strong for her. I need to stand up for the right things, even if i don't have to. Even if i am not the most courageous person around, I need to find courage.

Becox these are the things i'd wished for her, ever since i was carrying her..

For that moment when i look at her (she was happy cox somehow babies all love to have their bumbum cleaned haha), i feel so ashamed of myself that i'm not strong enough.

I haven't been strong to stand for myself before i was expecting her.. I haven't been strong enough to stand for us when i was pregnant, i am still not strong enough now.. But i will be.

I look at Meredith.. And i think of my eldest sister. The one who loved me so. The one who is not around anymore. I told my sister, in my head, that this must be how much she loved me. Maybe a different kind of love.. But the ones who truly love you, will only want the best for you.

And that is what i want for Meredith. I wanna be the best kind of mother she can be proud of.

I have no inheritance for her.. But i can at least impart the correct moral values to her. At least i know that that is something that will last her a long time.

But looking at how i handle things that come my way, i am too weak. Weak at heart, weak in the mind.

That time is over, anyway.

This day on i stand for myself. I stand when i want to. I stand where i want to.

Other than sense of loss, i also feel a sense of pity. Pity at how some stuff didn't turn out well. Pity at how time tells..

Pity for what could have been.

Pity for the people i've hurt that i shouldn't.. I am sorry if i was ever harsh and mean and unforgiving. You guys don't deserve to be treated that way, regardless.

I am sorry.

I guess there's really no point in throwing-back. If it was good, it lives through time.

If it is bad, it's meant to look bad some day. So we can all start to throw-away instead of throwback..

I know i haven't been updating the baby journal. I will. Just wanna come in to pen down this period which is extremely trying.. Good night, good people.


Anonymous said...

Hi Qiu Qiu,

Dun be upset, at times we will feel this way, not everyday is a sunny day! :)

Most impt, you have loads of love from your family and hubby too! Family bonding and love is the most impt to get thru the hurdles we have....to me I feel this way, and I really feel blessed to have a family and hubby who loves me as who I am and help me get thru my difficult times too!

Jia you and at the end of the tunnel, there will always be rainbow! :)


Anonymous said...

hey qiuqiu,
Actually I am one of the longest follower of your blog/to insta/to dayre(where you stopped)
but sometimes I have no clue why do you always block me from instagram ??
The 1st time I was blocked made me confused because I was always a silent follower/liker and I emailed you thus you replied and went to check my insta and had no idea why you blocked me and cant recall.. so you unblocked me.
Then few weeks later while scrolling through my insta feed I suddenly realized I havent been seeing your post then again I found out that I am blocked..
With no apparent reason.... I feel so confused and sad but regardless i decided to forgo the need to email you and clarify things...
Then sometimes I was wondering were you going through tough times and sensitive towards ppl's comments thats why you decided to go on a blocking rampage..
But you are still a human and I respect that and you need space..
Take your time qq.. you deserve everything good things upon all the best ya:)